Many of you are familiar with the song, “Searching for Love in All of the Wrong Places” by Johnny Lee;
“I was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places,
Lookin’ for love in too many faces,
Searchin’ their eyes and lookin’ for traces,
Of what I’m dreamin’ of.
Hopin’ to find a friend and a lover;
I’ll bless the day I discover
Another heart lookin’ for love.”
Do those words sum up your search for love? It did mine. Have you ever been so desperate to feel loved that you have made bad choices? Oh, I have!
Why? Why do I keep making such poor choices?
Since my late teens, I have cried out to God saying all I want is to feel loved. “Why won’t you give me someone that will love me wholeheartedly, completely?”
Have you had those late night conversations with God too?
Have you looked back into your past and decisions / choices that you have made and see you were looking in all of the wrong places for love?
Do you feel like you do not deserve to be loved? Why? Deep down inside of your hearts of hearts, why?
Have you ever thought that you are searching, wanting something so badly that it has made you vulnerable to the wrong kind of person?
Knock, knock! Did you hear me?
You have become vulnerable to the wrong kind of person! How do we change that? Through Godly Counsel.
Let me give you a brief as possible synopses of my love life history;
I got married when I was 20 years old. In hindsight, we were way too young and definitely not ready for marriage. The only good thing that came out of it are my 3 beautiful, strong daughters. My husband at the time, had many “relationships” with women that worked for him. I remember telling him before we got married that the only thing that I have zero tolerance for is unfaithfulness.
My next relationship I met at Church. That is where you will meet a good Christian, loyal man, right? Not always! It started out great, having someone that was encouraging me, supporting what I did career wise and liking my children.
In the end, he was an excellent manipulator, narcissist person, which smelled my vulnerability and went straight for the jugular. I stayed in the relationship way too long because I was scared; felt like a failure once again and was not sure what my ex-husband would do.
Then I went through a stage of, “if men can just mess around, I can as well!” Well, that did not work at all. There was one small problem. Sexual intimacy means a lot to me. It is precious. I always felt that sex was meant for a couple that love each other and to become closer to each other. That it was sacred. Intimacy was way too important to me to just throw it away like that.
After that stage, I did not date for a long time. I did not trust my judgement in men. And at the same time, I was praying / crying to God, why wouldn’t He put a man in my life?!
Well the next man that was put into my life was a married man. Everything that I was against, right? Oh, he knew all the right things to say; he has been wanting a divorce for a long time but was concerned for his kids. That I was so different from anyone he knew. We would talk, a lot. I loved that. We talked about his relationship. Dreams. Family. He asked about my divorce and how my kids handled it. Started out so innocent. Then I realized I was falling in love with him – a married man! We had so much fun together. The most fun I have ever had in a relationship so far. He promised he would not drag me into his divorce. Wrong. I ended up right smack in the middle of it. But I loved him and stood by him and kept thinking of our future together…we are no longer together.
A year ago October, I sat on my porch steps in the pouring rain, sobbing my eyes out. Yelling at God, “Why?” “Why can’t I find a man to be in an everlasting, until death do us apart, loving relationship?” “You know that is all I ever wanted God!” And then, so clear, as if He was sitting right next to me, I hear Him say, “You are loved. I love you just as you are.” I cried out, “I know God. I know you love me but it isn’t the same.” Can you believe I said that? Oh I am not done. I went on to tell Him I need a human man that can be here for me. To hold me. To be there for me no matter what. During the good times. During the bad times. And all of the times in between. In other words, I was saying His love was not enough!
He said, “I am right here. You keep looking in all of the wrong places.”
When I heard that, after all of my whining and crying. I stopped and listened. And felt His all-embracing love for me.
I started getting back into His word. Studying His word. Joined a ladies bible study group. And started too finally to heal.
In my past relationships, the men in my life all cheated on me. What I realize now, is that how can you expect others to respect and love you, if you do not respect and love yourself? When you don’t stand up for what you believe in?
When you do not have confidence in yourself, and your relationship with Jesus Christ, you are an easy target to take an advantage of. If I did not love myself, how could I expect that from another?
What does the Bible say about Relationships and Love? Here are some of my favorites;
Colossians 3:12 – 14 “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”
Ephesians 4:2 “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Ephesians 4:25 – 27 “Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger, do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Ephesians 4:29, 31 – 32 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen…Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Corinthians 13: 4 – 5 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
Proverbs 3:3 – 4 “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablets of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.”
I now realize and understand that it is more important to love myself. As God sees me. I am working on it every day and will be, till the day I die.
However, now I can truly say I am fine being alone. That I am happy being with me. (And my dogs!)
I am also learning how to pray properly.
I used to pray how I wanted a man in my life. No specifics. (Be careful what you ask for!) Now I pray for exactly what I want in my life and if it is God’s will, it will happen. If not, then I am fine with that as well.
So stop searching for love in all of the wrong places. You will never find it there.
Start loving yourself, working on yourself and your relationship with God.
You just may find a love greater than you ever imagined!